With the ongoing college admissions scandal, myriad of college admissions suits, and regular uncoverings of sexual abuse at prestigious private schools, here is some lighter fall fare:

Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors

In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors.

Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything

Expressing worries about their seeming lack of motivation and ambition, James Lipstein, 12, is increasingly concerned that his parents might never end up amounting to much of anything.

American Museum Of Natural History Acquires Rare Third-Grader Separated From Group On Class Trip

The American Museum of Natural History announced Wednesday the acquisition of Kyle, a unique specimen of a third-grade human male, who was discovered wandering the museum late Tuesday.